The Inner Battle of Wills, and how to find Peace

Who do you imagine is saying this? 

You’ll be forgiven for saying a three year old child or a surly teenager. In fact, this is what goes on inside the head of most adults at some point and, for many of us, on a daily basis. Sometimes it is very loud and obvious, a bit like a three year old having a tantrum. At other times it is quiet, subtle and almost imperceptible, like a teenager who has learned that the tantrum doesn’t get them the outcome they want and so they've developed some covert means to still get their way.

When I woke up this morning I was immediately aware that I didn’t feel as rested as I’d like to have felt. I’d been awake a few times in the night and had some pretty weird dreams so I felt the physical effects of a broken night’s sleep. What I also noticed was the stirrings of my inner teenager as it said “What!  It can’t be morning already, I’m still tired. I don’t want to get up yet, I’m going to stay in bed”. 

I lay there for a few minutes noticing the inner battle between the part of me that knew once I got up and started my morning routine I’d feel much better and the part of me that couldn’t be bothered and wanted to indulge in the warmth of my cosy bed.

This is just one example of when that inner battle of wills strikes. For you it may be the opposite and your inner teenager or three year old doesn’t want to go to bed and the battle is to convince it that sleep is good for it. Or maybe it is around exercise, eating healthily, drinking alcohol or perhaps it is around confronting a difficult person at work, starting a challenging piece of work or saying no to the constant barrage of demands on your time.

Whatever it is for you, there will be times when you can become aware that there is more than one voice in your head telling you want to do.  One is willing you on and the other is pulling you back. The thing is, we aren’t always aware what is going on and we can get consumed by one dominant perspective and completely lose sight (or refuse to see) the other perspectives.

The curious thing is that we can almost always see other perspectives when we are on the outside looking in. We can hear when someone else is caught up in their inner child or teenager and we can see the self-imposed difficulties that creates for them. 

The key point is that we CAN become more aware of which perspective is the dominant one in our own thinking and we CAN practice seeing our situation from another perspective. To do it takes three things:

1. An acceptance that there are different perspectives available to us in every situation
2. A willingness to pause and try on a different perspective
3. Practice

There is something powerful in recognising that in any situation it is possible to switch perspectives and see things in a completely different light. The inner child doesn’t always see it that way and may resist at first, digging its heals in and refusing to shift. But I’ve found it helpful to reassure it that we’re just trying the other perspective on, we don’t have to believe it for now. 

Space opens up, mentally and physically, within us when we are willing to step back and listen to another perspective. And the wonderful thing is that we can access all of the different perspectives ourselves, we don’t need someone else to give them to us, we just need to remember to slow down and allow them to be heard.

I don’t know about you but very often the perspective which points me in the right direction is less of a voice in my head and more of a sense somewhere in my body. It’s difficult to describe but it’s like a knowing, like a wisdom that sits quietly watching all the drama unfolding and if I just remember to pause, breathe, allow my mind to become quiet it whispers the exact thing I need to know at the exact time I need to hear it.

So, this morning I heard the whispered reminder that I have a choice in every moment and I could choose to indulge the tiredness or I could choose to bring some energy to my body and mind and so I got up, did my Tai Chi practice and meditation and as I sit here writing this I feel great!

My invitation to you is to explore this for yourself around something where you feel that inner battle of wills and use these questions to help you:

1. Can I accept that there are different perspectives available to me in this situation?
2. Am I willing to pause and try on a different perspective?

And then practice saying or writing down all of the possible perspectives on this situation you are facing. 

Remember, you don’t have to buy into any of them or change your current perspective, but the practice is to notice how it feels as you start to see alternative ways to see and experience the situation. It may be that you choose to act differently as a result or maybe not, but the point is to notice how things open up for you and the tension dissipates when you step back from the inner battle of wills and allow a fresh perspective to surface.



“If you change the way you look at things the things you look at change”
Wayne Dyer